i didnt meant to scare you
sorry
the thing is, when your in the fog, when you crash, burn and meltdown, when you are SO sick of being strong, putting on your brave face and just ‘carrying on’ pretending that its al ok, you get really pissed off at the world.
ok, im not pissed off at the world, more than im pissed off at the BiPolar. yes ok, i am under a lot of stress, more than some, however significantly less than what others out there are going through. should i compare? no, do i compare? hell yes!
when youve been well/stable/high for a while, and then you crash, you feel like youve failed. you no longer can get a straight face, you cant think straight, its not fun.
i KNOW it will pass, I KNOW it will get better, however to be honest, hearing it doesnt help. it patronises me, and i know it isnt meant to, but there is SO much to be done, i am an adult, i know how to prioritise, i know how to mow, i know how to clean, i know how to do washing etc, im not stupid, ive been doing quite well until now. so telling me to take small steps, start with the little things blahblahblah i know people are meaning well, but they just dont understand that yes while physically i can do these things, MENTALLY i dont have it in me RIGHT NOW. this is when i need help. this is when i need the PRACTICAL support. and do you know how fukken hard it is to ask for that? makes you feel like CRAP! however still i get embarressed about people wanting to help, wanting to clean etc and i get flustered and feel small, even though its not their intention, and they are just all so kind and generous. its actually really damn hard for ME to rely on other people, for ME to accept help from others. because ive always been the ‘helper’
My lithium has been increased, im now on 1000mg and ive noticed the side effects straight away *yay* *cough* i know it wont last long, but i cant see myself driving far this week at all, if at all. because im worried about falling asleep at the wheel. hopefully it wont last longer than a couple of days. and hopefully the lithium ABSORBS into my system a wee bit better now with the increase.
is it gods way of telling me that im not meant to be here?
i finally snapped on friday
but still i spent the weekend alone
acute team has been ringing me. woop de shit. a phone call really helps. not. words do diddly shit for me. in one ear, out the other.
im MEANT to continue, im MEANT to take one stupid step at a time, just do a little job, then get another little job done. why cant i make people understand that its NOT that fukken easy! its hard enough getting out of bed and showering, let alone doing the garden or mowing the lawns.
god is punishing me, hes testing me as to how much i can take. well guess what god? thats me, im done, i cannot take any more. you win.
People wonder and judge
why i am where i am today, single with 2 children, baby on the way to an unknown father (yep, no fukken idea), BiPolar disorder, up and down emotions and a shit load going on
its not a fukken choice! i didnt CHOOSE to be single, i dont CHOOSE to have BiPolar, i dont CHOOSE to have so much going on its not funny and totally unhandleable. its just how its been dealt to me.
im sick to death of hearing ‘it will get better soon…..’ like they know!
when your down, and lonely, scared and starved of love and affection for a very long time, even the saneist person would find it hard.
sure i was manic for a few months, however thats not going to get full blame. i have to take accountability for my actions and thoughts over the past several months. however i REFUSE to take the blame for being unloved, untouched, uncared about.
When for such a long time you crave affection, you just want to be held, touched, loved, told nice things about you, you just want to feel like someone gives a shit, you would do anything to get that. anyone. then you never see them again, you feel like there is something so completely wrong and horrible about you, you feel so demeaned and used, so pathetic and sad. and you start all over again with the next person.
‘i just want to be friends… but hell i will still shag ya!’
oh yeah that makes me feel like a right fukken winner aye!
‘your pregnant, so you must be easy’
well, shit, your kinda right, i am pregnant, i was easy, confused, scared.
‘just friends aye? i will call ya……’
pfffft yeah whatever, not holding my breath till you need your next shag.
let down, after let down, after let down, get what they want, then cya!
but you know, that one night when you actually feel like someone gives a damn, you just crave for the next……
you just want someone to love you for WHO you are, respect you for WHO you are, have no expectations, but actually give a flying fuck about YOU
is it ok to be selfish sometimes? to not want to be alone? to want and crave to be loved? appreciated? when is it ok to put myself first? when is it ok to love myself again? how do i expect to find someone to love me, care for me, when i dont love myself at all right now.
thats not fair on anyone is it? but how come i feel like i cant love myself anymore until someone loves me?
you know when things emotionally
build up and build up and make your shoulders oh so heavy, you think you cant take anymore and something else happens, then something else, you carry on because your strong, you can handle this, you have a family to provide for and a false facade to keep up, you have to be the strength for others, their ear, their shoulder. you have to keep on going, paying bills, cooking, cleaning, caring, loving.
then you go to bed alone and you lie awake realising that your IT for everyone in your life. but in reality, you have noone.
kinda hurts.
It rains, it pours, it f*****n hails…
where do i start, this will end up being one hell of a rambly post, my mind is in a million places right now and i have to be careful what i say incase ‘the others’ find it hehe
my phone (landline) got disconnected yesterday, cheers telecom! ive been paying it off, obviously not enough and without warning i no longer can make outgoing calls, i can recieve, but not make…. and once i reconnect (the money will go through tonight i will be able to reconnect tomorrow) i have to pay a $53 reconnection fee, cos its ohhhhh sooooo hard to push a fukkn button!!!
Grandad is still as ok as he could be i guess, understanding him is very hard, he seems not with it most of the time, although does know who we are, im certain that he doesnt know his surroundings or whats happening to him. he has started on purreed food…. ohhhh delish….. ew. looks like crap. took 1 week and 1 day to start having food again, he was just rapt for something. i havent visited today, already been over the shore once today, more on that soon. i got an hours rest this arvo and i cant wait for bed tonight, i feel terribly guilty that i havent been in though, as far as i know its only me from now on until mum gets back at easter, so im going to try to get there every day, he needs to see me to know that we are here for him and not being able to move he does like the company, just knowing there is someone beside him to help him when he needs it.
its very very hard seeing him like this. all of a sudden he is a very old, skinny, fragile old man. just sux.
reason i was near the hospital today was because i had my first counselling session, i need to try and find someone to watch the kids for me on a regular basis without relying on one person, but they definitely are a distraction. but its definitely good to talk about things and go off on a tangent (as i do!) without being scruitinized for it.
she asked me to give her a word to explain how i feel right now. i said tired, im tired in mind, body and spirit, im trying so hard to keep up appearances and make things seem so much better than they are, i get aches and pains every day, i just want a full nights sleep, but a combination of pregnancy and lithium means im up peeing every damn freaking hour, i just have to find my charger and keep on going. id like someone to cut me a break, if theres a god above (im still unsure – no offense intended) then why the hell is all of this happening to me and why the hell does it get worse every day with more piling up? dont tell me its to make me stronger, im fukkn strong enough thanks! for once i just want no drama, i want sleep, i want well behaved children (yeah right lol), i want life to be a little bit cruisy….. id love to relax, i cant remember the last time i read a book, chocolate isnt doing it for me, ive had it in the fridge for weeks, and i dont have the money to hire Raul to give me foot massages and hand feed me grapes while showing off his superb bod 
oh and finally after years of pushing it, i have the formal diagnosis of BiPolar, although not declared to me as yet, its on all paperwork, all forms, everything to do with me now. so i guess i was right all along! well freakn DUH!!!! holy shit, Carla actually knows her own brain! well fuck me!
oh aint it a trying old time!!
Grandad is hanging in there, although he will never be the same Grandad ive known all my life, the independant, live life how HE wants to live it, happy, veggie gardening, chicken keeping, cattle raising, cow shed shit washer, caravan living, horse races and vodka mad Grandad……
He is paralyzed on his whole left side, right side has minimal movement, he has drips, intravenous food (ick), hes nil by mouth, cos he cant swallow, he gets upset (i have NEVER seen Grandad cry) with us talking about the farm where he lives, or people he knows, because he KNOWS he will never go back, he will never live how he wants to again, and its nobodies choice, its just natures cruel way. he can hardly talk, mumbles or babbles, very quietly and gets so frustrated when you cant understand him, most of the time he recognises you, other times, we just arent sure.
he has daily physio to keep his muscles moving, and he hates it, it hurts him a lot, its not fair to see him like this, its not fair on him to be like this. but we will do all we can for him, we dont know however how long that will be, every day is different.
a couple of days ago Adele (my little sis) was admitted into CHCH hospital….. she has something wrong with her kidneys and is off for CAT scans and other tests this week, mostly checking for growths, shes worried about cancer…. WHY do drs always make things as negative as possible in order to scare the SHIT out of you and your family! of course we cant do anything being all the way up here, and she only moved down there a couple of weeks ago…..
on Thursday i had an appt at MMH and as a result i have weekly counselling starting from Wednesday 
im SO rapt with that, its about time i got it and i bloody had to push to get it too! so that will help me to deal with a lot of the stresses and realities of my life
im now 20.2 weeks along with my wee Ben…. over half way, now thats freaky shit!!!i have a tonne of sewing and organising to get done, just got to find where i placed my Mojo……
I met some lovely online friends from CHCH on Friday night, saw them again for a BBQ on Saturday night and then they popped over for a coffee on their way back to the airport today, such down to earth REAL beautiful people, they have 2 adorable little girls, and i have definitely fallen in love with their youngest, shes just adorable and im pretty sure she ‘gets’ me and i ‘get’ her…. freaky at only 4 when adults still scratch their heads and throw their hands up about me! hehe i will definitely plan on visiting them in the near future.
you know, all this bullshit and hardship that is going on with me right now, one thing, after another, after another, i still truely realise how damn lucky i am, i can provide a roof over my childrens head and food in their mouths, i have access to great education for them and we have a blast doing the most basic things, their smiles and laughter lights up my world, there are so many people STUCK, they cant see a way out, they dont know where to turn or what to do, i was like that, and its bloody hard, but now, i realise there is ALWAYS a light, there is ALWAYS something positive to look back on, beit your kids, your family, your friends, your pets, your hobbies and crafts, you just have to look deep in yourself to find it xx
Landlord hates me… im now a solo mum…
i just had my house inspection
they are threatening to kick me out if i dont make it tidyer….
and she just doesnt understand why i didnt get an abortian, and why D and I seperated and the house has just fallen apart (it hasnt there is NO damage) since D left
its just a shambles and she doesnt know how i can raise 2 children in this house being how it is, not to mention a new baby
the owner would have a fit seeing it like this blahblahblah
i rang Darryl (im a mess) because he helped me tidy and clean last night and asked if my house is really THAT bad, yes i have some clutter, things i have sold that need passing on, things to go back with mum etcetc all folded and all in piles. he was totally surprised that she said those things and says she has no right to kick me out and that im protected under the tenancy act. you cant get kicked out because my tidyness is not up to her standards.
my LL knows i have BiPolar, she KNOWS i am on several diff meds, she obviously just found out i am pregnant, she now knows that i have hypermesis, that financially im in the shit.
D has been to heaps of their places as he fixes their doors and he is amazed that she was so harsh and horrible on me when there are other tenants of THEIRS out there that basically live like pigs.
im wondering whats going to hit me next……..
Grandad admitted into hospital – stroke
My Grandad has had a severe stroke, hes not too good at all, but they say its early days and they really just dont know, he knew who mum was but he cannot speak, they havent yet sent him for scans to see how his brain has been affected.
hes paralysed down his left side, limited movement down his right, nil by mouth, cannot talk, just lying there.
he did recognise me, i told him he looks like he needs a bloody drink, he cackled a bit at that. he still has his sense of humor, but he will never be the active, vege gardening, chicken and calf keeping, fencing, independant Grandad i have always known…
i will be back at the hospital tomorrow morning, im hoping he is able to get some rest, hospitals are damn noisy and he gets woken up every half hour for tests etc, his heart rate is very high, his BP is very low. tubes everywhere
if he does get out of hospital, he will never live how hes lived for many many years (all my life and more) again, he will go down to Te Puke with mum and go into the home where she works, they have a hospital there and a large comfortable rest home.
updates…. firstly, its a BOY!
had MW today, she had my scan results, baby is a good size and i have anterior placentor which i had guessed anyway, i had this with both girls too.
my folate and B12 levels are extremely low and my blood pressure is down, so i have to get more bloods done tomorrow, if the levels are still down then i need to get injections done.
she has also sent away a referral to the hospital to go under Ob care, so it looks like i will be having a MW, and Ob, MMH, Waitakere2 and a Paed involved in this birth. i have asked my MW to stay on to be my advocate, because it may end up being a heavily medical birth and if things are going ok then i still want to have as normal as possible birth, not just be sliced open because its easier. however in saying that i want what is best for my BABY, i dont care what happens to me, my baby is the most important thing, there is a high possibility he may have to go into SCBU, but his size is positive and his HB is fine, its just a waiting game.
she has given me another scan form, so i will have that in a couple of weeks, as my scan was unclear about a couple of things (fuzzy but APPEARS fine – she just wants confirmation)
Ooooby!
What on earth am i on about you may be thinking?
go to www.oooopy.ning.com really cool website!
I asked on Freecycle today if anyone had some seedlings that need a new home, i got an email almost straight away from a lady just down the road from me that had 2 Zucchini seedlings, so off for a drive the girls and I went and wow, how interesting was their garden! most of their back fence was 2 pumpkin plants, planted in tyres and just spread along the fence, VERY cool, there were also salad plants and other types of interesting things, they use minimal pots and creative kiwi ingenuity, plants in tyres and paving stones built up to make raised beds. made me realise that this doesnt have to cost the earth, i can do this SO easily! oh and they had a worm farm! made with tyres and corrogated iron, and the liquid collected you can water down and use it to fertilise your plants, i was rapt to recieve a bottle!
anyhoo, this lady told me about Ooooby, its a new community (NZ) that has been started last October, sharing fresh produce, seedlings, plants, seeds locally, recipe ideas etc its just really neat to see something started that you can share your things with, barter your seeds and seedlings, barter your freshly grown excess veggies for other types you may not have. check it out! the more it grows the better it gets!
Quiche was dinner tonight, served with fresh sweetcorn. i winged the recipe and it turned out fine, 4 eggs (i like eggs, could of done less!) half a tin of chopped tomatos (i didnt have fresh) a grated zucchini, a grated carrot (out of Laras garden!) small amount of cheese, some milk, some sour cream, bit of flour and baking powder, some parsely, bang it in the oven, cook for 3/4 of an hour, i cut the kernels off the corn for the kids, and while Olivia ate the lot, Kaylee refused to take a mouthful…..
So, off to bed she went, she knows the rules, if you dont eat, you go to bed, she came back out, said she was going to eat, and the little monkey did! she ate the lot, including the corn and THEN had some of mine! this is my VERY veggie phobic child! so a very proud moment for this mummy!!!
something we used to eat EVERY night and now only eat 2-3 times a week is meat, we are finding that we dont need meat every night, we i never thought i would enjoy meat free meals, i LOVE my meat!!
